just two things.

You know what they say, you haven't lived until you've burst out of a vagina, naked.


   After that, all you do, you do to prolong your time/life on this shitty planet which honestly, I'm not a fan of.  What really bugs me is how some of you choose to live the way other people want you to live. Morally, financially, sexually, most of us restrict ourselves to what we believe is 'normal.' I don't believe anyone has the right to impose their morals on other people. If one wants to be a whore, let them be Whether it's an attention seeking whore, a whore for money whore, a gold digging whore, a fat ass liar whore, a man pimp whore, just let them be and seriously, looking carefully, we've all done a little whoring in our lives.

I'm quite a cussing whore when i particularly feel bad ass

  I was once in a verbal fight with some guy friend because I kept referring to every shitload he did as gay. No, you do not call a male waiter "dear.", matching bracelets and shoes, seriously? strawberry lip gloss? supras at 28? I'm not saying all that is gay GAY, what i mean is, it's gay LAME, and the shithead couldn't understand all that was for shits and giggles. Since then I've been trying to break-dance back to his life, for friendship's sake and yes, he's quite busy with the silent treatment, which is also, gay. And it's not like, being gay is a bad thing...

 always remember, Carbon is just a shitload of heat and pressure away from becoming a diamond. you are the carbon, work on being a gem, I mean diamond.

Shit my mum says...

she has nothing to explain...to anyone.

We all love our mommies, right?
RIGHT!
They can piss the living shit out of you. But seriously, isn't that what tough love is??? No? Then my mom has been doing it wrong!
Anyway, the whole, shit my mom says was suggested by   Flowkadenge . He thinks my mom is funny..ok, I think my mom is funny so I made him think she was.. She has this habit of making fun of people in a funny way, you end up crying when laughing...or vice versa. She does it in Kamba! I'll be posting whenever

Anyways..

Mom: Jesus! Don't you ever add any weight?
Me: mom, we are not having this conversation....again.
Mom: (to anyone standing/seated nearby) Does she even look like my daughter?? Look at me..and look at her. huyu hakulangi! Yuko na kilo 40 kama kuku
Me: Mooom! seriously.
Mom: look at her younger sister... only 17 years old. She looks 'bigger' than her..not forgetting the height. Wanza (me)  alikula manylon akiwa mdogo haki
17 y o Sis: I'm not that fat????!
Mom: you're not?? Look at you! Kitimba kyaku kina kyuu (your butt has a shadow!)
Sis: Ngai mom :(
Mom: Ngiti syi kwatiia syeetelee kivaluke (dogs follow you expecting the butt to fall off!)

We burst out laughing.

Sis gives her the -if-you-weren't-my-mom-i'd-kill-you-right-now look

but hey!

women!

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
Look down at yourself, are you wearing a push-up bra?
Is your hair 'relaxed'? or 'weaved??' yes???
You are 30% fake.
You don't term one a pierce of shit, whilst you are a shit-stain.

"I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I'll keep dating assholes and complaining." - all Women

Not everyone is Trey Songz, or Neyo...those too have flaws you know
We are lucky we are not all indians or conservative Maasais who get to have arranged marriages
We were given this one opportunity to chose our partners, but we seem to have blown it.

Most men born in the 1800's would roll over in their grave if they saw how much we, women are allowed to talk nowadays.

Until women stop being shallow minded, then we'll have to live with shallow minded men too.

I really hope women who get dumbed in public realize they're making it super awkward for the rest of us.

If you made him think you're after him for whatever reasons, then he'll dumb you when he's done with you for whatever reasons

Just saying

cRook

If your omelette does not turn into scrambled eggs, then i need to marry you.

Also, pancakes, if yours do not stick on the pan, then we should swap pans because I choose not to believe I can't cook pancakes. My pan is evil and it hates me...

Do you burn boiled eggs.....??
And every time you boil your milk, do you end up with half of what you had before boiling it? OMG! me too!

Why in the world don't we have 'good food' recipes with less than five ingredients..???

What is the first thing you think of when you run out of dishes/pans/ blah blah blah and the sink is loaded?? personally, I shout at the dishes "I'm not going to wash you! you are not the boss of me! you do not tell me what to do!"...then I curl up in a fetal position and take biscuits and juice

Basically I can't cook to save a roach and...and I need a smoke detector in my house.......also, my husband should be loaded enough to get us a chef. That is all.

Fashion...what's hot, what's not...and who cares!

"Emy, describe.....fashion."

"erm.............. clothes???"

"NO."

"OK."

Is it me or is everyone trying too hard fashion-wise??? what happened to simplicity?? what happened to the days when you just had to look good.. not really fashionable. What's with the million bangles??? what's with the hundred rings??? And why are women walking around in 6' high towers (heels) and will you all stop with the funny looking colored eye shadows!

and, leggings are not pants! cover your ass! Not with a skirt, stupid! or a dress...leggings/jeggings go well with dress-tops (say what?). If your skirt is short and you have to cover your legs, put on stockings, not leggings.

Have you ever seen a woman who's matched the handbag with the earrings and the belt and the shoes! then the top with the bangles and the pants/skirt matching the top and thought, "this is one sad woman?" that's just me?? Oh well

I know my bra strap is showing, and yes, I don't care. Go chew one! ~Emy

I'll put on a weave if i ever feel like it, if you have a problem with that, go hump a horse! ~Emy

this twitty twitter...blergh

Twitter is becoming obnoxious.
 Yeah, I said it.

In case you didn't notice, idiocy is spreading like wild fire. It all started with #teamroast where tweeps would tell off someone for doing something 'unacceptable'. Then came #teamWeHaveMorals bashing #teamroast. Out of all that, some people felt 'targeted' and before we knew it, tweefing was born. Tweeps choosing to tell each other off on the timeline. Been there, don't remind me.Out of all that, people get more followers because, you know, mutual followers see the conversation and RT everything.


Now, we have #LeakedDMs all over our TLs. Tweeps saw how people RTed leaked DMs, now they are doing it intentionally. Why the sudden need for followers and attention??? Why not leak a DM where you're borrowing money, or dumping someone, or getting dumped....or, thanking someone for a lay well done...or, or, OR leak a DM where they are telling off someone for DMing them, i do that.

Why are we stooping so low as to hack Acs and leak DMs? Why the sudden hate on someone once they get 'roasted' or 'beefed'?

I thing we are doing twitter wrong. There's something we are doing wrong. We are trusting each other a bit too much. We are taking twitter seriously. We are becoming a bunch of ATTENTION WHORES!

I will not sink with the few KOT who are making twitter shitty. I'll tweet what i think is funny. If I have nothing to say, I'll tweet fart/fat/phat/nakidme jokes.

If you're reading this, you missed your flight...Sinner!!

And now presenting guest blogger Flow Kadenge. Please petition his lazy ass to resurrect his blog.

*Steps off podium*

Thank you,

I'm sure a lot of you spent the days before The Rapture refreshing yourselves in your long-lost ways of Holiness. Praying in meek tones in your head, wondering if it's too late already, but nonetheless praying with verve because, if it means escape from damnation in the Eternal Oven, to be a latrine digger in forever mode in the Great Happy Sky, you say 'Give me the shovel.' A lot of you were being extra decent, when often time rudeness applied. I wonder how many kids got spectacular phone calls from grave-voiced strangers saying, "Hello, I'm your father..." And truant kids doing the same to parents who cursed them a long time ago.

 To his detriment this US Pastor, Harold Camping, with the mythical formula based on decades of decoding Scripture, timed his event to coincide with Saturday. Meaning some of y'all will immediately enforce the Backsliding Option and engage in some serious Post-Rapture day sinning in the name of celebrating. Way to go Pastor Guy. Generate more vice in the name of religion. Meanwhile the Muslims, the Buddhists, those kooky individuals who pray to a VCR tape of Men In Black, believing there are tiny, tiny aliens with mythical powers living within... all of them are all collectively laughing at us Hosana types.

And what's with y'all? In 1995 Busta Rhymes proclaimed on his first solo album The Coming, "There's Only Five Years Left!"And you all laughed and said, "That Busta guy, with his wild videos and dreads, such a nutcase... But then some white dude you've never heard of thumps The Bible forcefully and says the world is ending, all of a sudden the Terminator confesses to having grown-ass love children, 50 Cent makes music with Jadakiss, Bin Laden gets his boots smoked while watching porn eating a roast pork sandwich, a Jazz bassist chic no one knows wins best album at the Grammys ahead of Kanye and that Gaga (man)chic, Ugandans grow balls and defy their master, Arabs start kicking dictator ass all over the place, the Lakers and the Celtics both get lumped up badly, no one riots because Manchester United wins.... all kinds of weird stuff, all at once.

Some of you were pro-active in other ways. Planning what you'd carry in your Rapture escape bags: tambourines, copies of the Psalms of David and holy water, warm tuskers and cold muturas, dvds of Grey's Anatomy and even weed. Some were scripting lines with which they would try to bag the foxy heavenly angels and make hybrid babies, I mean twitter has been boring for about a week with this rapture buzz.

Most of all, I feel for those who took this thing seriously enough to get rid of all their worldly possessions, even after it was reported that the Rapture Pastor Guy was still accepting donations on his website. To spend it where exactly? Excuse me, no version of the Bible I've come across describes anything like a mall, or a marketplace, or seedy dens where Players and Ballers of note can congregate and make it rain... only milk and honey and lambs frolicking in the meadow with lions, playing brikisho and shake and other utopian visions. That Pastor must be reading from the International Hedge Fund Version. It has the Book of the Pharisees in it that was previously lost in antiquity. Other versions have The Chronicles of Bernie Madoff. That's right, the one locked up is a re-incarnation.

I imagine the congregations in the churches that told their believers to sell everything off and bring money to them to give to The Lord are going to have some awkward sermons come Sunday after the rapture.  First order of business being for the Pastor to tell his flock how he missed the Train to Heaven, I mean he's holy, right? And secondly, what's good with all the cash? We see that fresh new gray suit you got on, nice cufflinks and imitation Movado watch, Preacher Man.

Stiff silence....

"Reo mmepata kuona guvu ya Baba Yetu. Lapcha ilisemekana inakuja. Rakini hakuna Lapcha inakuja, hio yoooote irikuwa ni mithani, kama ire ya sekondi taam, inaitangwo Mocko."

Crickets......

"Simnajua mocko egzamu, ire inafanyangwo kabra ya mutihani yenyewe ujitayalishe uweze kujua uwezo utakaokuwa nao kwa mtihani.... hata hii lapcha ya jana irikuwa ni mtihani.... Halleluyah!"

Grumbles in the pews....

Pastor wipes shiny forehead with crisp new Ferragamo kerchief.

"Si hata Avrahamu aripewa mocko, ariambiwa apereke mtoto kwa murima amshinje. Na akafunga thafare akaenda huko....huko eeeh, kwa ure mrima... nimesahau, rakini ni mrima kubwa saaana. Na hata hakuvaa jacket. Yah. Sasa huko, kufika akaambiwo "Wee hi ni mocko egzamu, usishije mtoto weee.'" Akaambiwo ashije mburi. Lakini Avahamu arikuwa mjamaa wa guvu. Arinyoga buffaro tatu na kamba moja."

Congregation stirs.

"Pastor lakini wacha mezesha, ganji ziko wapi, niliuza tv and vyombo bwana, watoto wakona njaa, wanataka lunch leo na kuona Flapjack..." Hii mocko hatuelewi."

"Sasa ware wanasema waludishiwe thenti zao, warizopeana loho safi ju dunia irikuwa inaisha kwa sababu ya lapcha, hiyo irikuwa ni Mocko egzam fee.... na kama mmnajua mocko exam fizuli mnajua hapo hakupeangwii lefund yoyote. Either upite ama ukule mawe.... Hata Avrahamu alilipishwa fee, ariambiwo ashinje mburi..."

Commotion knocks the camera to the ground. All we see are shuffling feet and hear all kinds of ruckus going on.

At this point, we press FFWD>> on the movie to  a news bulletin, where a slim lady reports:

"Worshippers at the Glorified Ebenezer African Inland Light Tabernacle of the Holy Ark of David have crucified their Pastor, his wife and two deacons after the fallout arising from today's announced Rapture that failed to materialize. Worshippers claim they were ordered under oath to sell all of their worldy possessions months ago, in readiness for the Rapture and bring forward all money to the Pastor. The Pastor, it is claimed, declared while hanging from an electric pole that he will resurrect within three months..."

Don't ask me why I made the Pastor kuyo. Forward all comments about that to 2braincells@flowkadengebrain.com.

The moral of the story is you'll be here till you aren't. Even Busta Rhymes can't call it, and he can fit the entire Bible into 16 bars. Now, let me know where all the Post-Rapture shindigs are at. Back to you Emy.

*Steps off Podium*

what's in a name?

     I'm Emily. Wanza. Sammy. Grew up as Emma though. I changed my name to Emily Wanza on my baptismal day. Why?? Because my granny is called Emma Wanza, I don't want to be my granny! Reasons well known by me. But changing it to Emily didn't change anything, people in ushago still ask "huyu ndio Emma?" I am me! I am not my granny!
  Last month I went to apply for a new Identity Card. I lost the first one and it's took ages to be replaced. so I thought applying for a new one may get me one faster. Carried my result slips, birth certificate, school certificates basically every doc I have..and Yes, my dad's ID. I found a lady; she was nice, initially.
While filling the form, she asked me for my full names and I blurted out "Emily Wanza Sammy!" she looked at me and ask that one question I hate,

Her,  "are you white?"

Yes, thanks to the 3rd name, people ask me that a lot. Then she followed it up with the statement I've heard a lot.

her, "wakamba mnapenda kujiita majina ya baba zenu za kizungu sana."

I really needed the ID so I chose to act cool.  She wrote down "Emilly Wanza Samy."

Me, "it's singe L for Emily and double M for Sammy."

She gave me that -you-think-you-smart-huh?- look, took another form and wrote the correct name. Then she asked for my dad or husband's  ID, you know, to fill in the locations and stuff, what she did made me freeze, literally. pushed the forms away and removed her glasses.

 Her, "msichana unaniona mimi mjinga?"

Me, "why"

Her, "Samuel Musyoki ni nani?"

Me, now puzzled, "that's my dad."

Her, "Sammy ni nani?"

Me, "that's my dad...."

Her, "Samuel and Sammy can't be the same person."

Me, "I can explain.."

Her," No, i don't want your explanation."

Me, "so, what do you want me to do?"

Her, "go bring me Sammy's ID. Your father's"

Yep, my dreams of getting a new ID shattered. Guess I'll have to wait for the replacement. When I applied for an ID in 2005, they never really asked questions.

You are probably wondering why I use Sammy and not Samuel, or why I don't use Musyoki. After my mum gave birth to me, when filling out the certificate she wrote my name as Wanza Sammy. She knew my dad as Sammy. Musyoki is my granddad, I can't use my granddad's name. What's my dad's Kamba's name??? DON'T ASK!

Another thing, my boss writes may name as Wanja, my neighbors call me Wanja, our drivers call me Wanja, guess I'll never know why.

Every Certificate i have carries the name Sammy as the surname..will I ever need to submit my dad's ID for anything in the future?? NO?? Guess that woman can go suck whatever!

Me, "mum, how did it not occur to you that Sammy was a nickname when you applied for my birth certificate?"

 Her, "I was confused."

Me, "but the rest (siblings) carry the same name, Sammy. were you still confused when you gave birth to them?

Her *chuckles* "how would you feel if the rest carried the name Samuel while yours was Sammy?"

 Me, "I'd think I was adopted."

Her, "exactly!"

 Me, "so, if dad's name was Moses, would you have written my name as Wanza Mose?"

Her, "don't push it!"

I love my mum. LOL

So, really?????

I wanna be rich and I want lots of money,
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny,
I want loads of clothes and fuck-loads of diamonds,
I heard people die while they're trying to find them, ~Lily Allen

 I've always wanted the best things in life. The best shoes, the best clothes, the best accessories, the best house, the best kids, the best family, basically I want the best of everything. Problem is, I'm lazy. I'd rather do something else than do what I'm supposed to do. Because of that, having the best of anything is a rumor. If not a myth. There's no cure for laziness, right? Maybe I should get my priorities right, you know, do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it and by that I mean know what's important and what's not.

So, back to wanting the best of everything, how do i go about that? Get a sugar daddy??? Aw hell naw! Do like my friends do and make my boyfriend pay my bills and pay stuff??? er...hell no??

And I'll take my clothes off, and it will be shameless,
'Cause everyone knows it's how you get famous,
I'll look at The Sun & I'll look in the Mirror,
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm onto a winner,~Lily Allen

Women have been known to take off their clothes to climb the corporate ladder and even to get a pay rise..would i ever do that? Aww hell fucking no! No to herpes and shit. So, what? should i get comfortable with not having anything 'better' than what i have? should i get comfortable with what i have?? No?

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore,
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it would all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear...~Lily Allen

Things that make you go...hmmmh!

•  Imagine if we had T-rex arms... ! Oh, what's a T-rex??? It's some kind of a dinosaur with very very short arms.

                                                                        Tyrannosaurus rex

 The forelimbs had only two clawed fingers along with an additional small representing the remnant of a third digit

 Yes, Imagine if we all had such arms. Life would be a hustle! How would we scratch our backs?? Do you know how hard it would be scratching our knees without face-plants? There'd be booming business for back and knee scratchers..

But on a serious note, most men would die of blue balls, because you can't nut off with these short arms, and entire fungal ecosystems would grow out of our belly buttons, for those of us who couldn't afford navel cleansers... And bar counters, they would have to be much higher than normal so we could nurse our beverages with ease.

So, next time you feel like a warped orangutan based on how unpretty you feel about your gangly arms, remember poor, extinct T-Rex, all blue balls and excess rage.

Now that we have self cleaning appliances, don't you think we should have self cleaning houses??? and self cleansing hair..i mean weaves, self charging phones..etc. Who wouldn't want that?  And remote controls for remote controls, for those who keep losing theirs, i'd probably lose that too. Sometimes don't you wish you'd beep your keys just to know where they are? We need solutions and it's like the scientists aren't even trying!

Kenyan gospel is crap, yes, i said. Why would one use the beat to skip to ma lou for a gospel song, why would one want to sound like P-square??? Why do secular dance moves in your videos??? next we'll be shaking our bum bum to wi muthero....which reminds me, aren't they gully creeping in that wi mutheru video???

That I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?  emy wanza

No matter how much you love someone, your whole world can change within 5 seconds of watching them run. ~emy wanza

what do we(men) want???

Want;  having a desire to possess or do something.

What do we want. Basically, Food, Shelter, clothing, and a coupla luxuries.
But what do women want?? Women want multiple Orgasms, chocolate and the words 'i love you' often, also, we need to be told we are beautiful every now and then. Not forgetting the shoes that hurt like hell, costing us a fortune and some always finding a place in the darkest rooms. We want someone to listen to our every whims and whimper but at the same time we need to be left alone.We want someone who adores us but still gives us space. We want to be looked at, but not ogled.

 To blanket everything, EVERY WOMAN WANTS WHAT THE OTHER BITCH GOT.

Men want nothing but a naked woman who knows when to talk and when to shut up...the shutting up matters a lot to this breed. They hate hints. They want details. They hate being nagged. They prefer nudity to lingerie. They love food..and sports. To them, Chic flicks are for pussies. Keep your handbag to your armpits and if somebody has to hold it for you, don't ask him to do it. You know that sweater he likes?? the one you hate so much because he's always wearing it??? Never ever use it as a rug just because it has to go. Leave his shit alone. If he likes his socks in the underwear drawer, put them in the underwear drawer.

If somebody invented vibrating tampons women could enjoy their period ~Emy Wanza

There's always someone richer, prettier with better tits than you around the corner sister, so you better work on perfecting that blow-job. ~Emy Wanza

a

why my neighbors will never follow me on twitter...

I met Baba Esther at the Cargo village in JKIA, driving a Swissport cargo tractor.

HIM: Emily!

ME: OMG hey!

HIM: You work here??

ME: No. I work around here!

HIM: Let me go park this and come see your office...who knows, i might bump in for tea or coffee

ME: me ~> O_o.. Actually now that you know where I work I think I'll have to quit my job and find another one somewhere else...

HIM:  Are you serious?

ME: YES! 

 He's never talked to me since then.

Wangeci, she's not really a friend but it's a we-have-to-be-friends-because-we-are-neighbors- kinda friendship. She's a.....what my bro calls a she-Yokozuna. She always asks me to carry stuff for her when going up the stairs, every time we bump into each other at the gate. we are on the same floor, the 5th floor. This day that our friendship broke,  I joked about her weight.

ME: I hate it when we have to stop after every floor.

HER: We all know you have nothing to do in the house, twende pole pole

ME: I hate that this friendship will have to end because of your weight, I'm not going to wait another minute for you to catch your breathe..also, this bag is full of junk and we all know I'll have none of it.

Then I put her stuff down and left for my house. The next day I said hi, she looked like if she would, she'd butt-smother me.

Then there's Njoro. I tweeted about this incidence last week. I went to pick my DVDs and found his supposedly girl-friend in his house, who has no sense of humor whatsoever!  just like everybody else;

 ME: Hey. Hapa ni kwa Njoro? (insert cheeky smile)

HER: yeah.

ME:...... and you are?

HER: his girlfriend...

ME: uh huh! hah!

HER: What does that mean?

ME: what does what mean?

HER:  (visibly angry) akikuja ntamwambia you came for your DVDs..

ME: er...wacha tu, i'll call and tell him i was here...or i'll just wait until he comes home, his house...home. by the way, Hse no. 17B

 The next day, Njoro asked me to go straighten everything up, tell her who I was and why I chuckled when she said she was the girlfried.


Another incident with Ruth; her nephews always come to visit her during the weekend, a fact I didn't know. She banned the young boys from my balcony ever since that day I told her,

there are kids around here who make so much noise on Saturdays, one day I might push them down the stairs or over the balcony!"

HER: THEY ARE MY NEPHEWS!

ME: I take that back then.

Apparently my neighbors do not have aaaaaaaaaany sense of funny, by funny I mean humor...and I'm not moving out of that flat any time soon.

You came really close to clever before veering off into a ditch and exploding in a flaming ball of stupid.

It's all fun and games......

   This life we living in should never be taken seriously, as some idiot once said, no one gets out alive anyway. We tend to take everything at face value, judging before we fit in others shoes and pointing fingers at situations we can't tell of the when, the where and the why. We are an uptight lot. Anyway, that's not what this post is really about. It's about funny situations that lead to serious cases.

      It's all fun and games until verbal abuse upgrades to physical abuse. I have a friend who always argued with the boyfriend and the scenario always turned ugly with name-calling in public. Until this one day she asked us for lunch because she wanted 'to talk'...she showed up with a black eye. Apparently the boyfriend lost it, his tempers, because she called some chic he's been vibing for a while a 'whore'. It was time to proclaim her ass single and leave the guy.

    It's all fun and games until you're at the gynaecologist your legs uncrossed & your fingers crossed.one word. TOYS!...and condoms, and tampons. Explaining any farther would turn graphic

   It's all fun and games on twitter until people start calling each others names. It always starts with sub-tweets, or CCs, and as for me, it started when i called one @mbusih a punk ass. LOL. Then the TTs, you go in on one, tweet shit and before you know it, you've created 'enemies'. This thing we call twitter is complicated.

     It's all fun and games until your mum realizes she only pays 3 sh for a voice message, and tells every other relative that it's OK to leave a voice message....since it's cheap. Yes, now my mum leaves voice messages and most of the time, it's nothing nice. Her asking why I'm not picking my phone with her -I'd smack-your-ass-if-I-was-near- tone.

  It's all fun and games until someones loses the key to the handcuffs. For the Kinky and the kinkees.

  It's all fun and games until that friend, boyfriend, that you always thought was gay, hits on you. Or your friend, girlfriend, tells you shit she feels about you, had one of those experiences. http://emywanza.blogspot.com/2011/03/that-day-i-actually-kissed-girl.html

when someone embraces your unique & beautiful brand of crazy, hang onto them fiercely ~Emy Wanza

of vampires and mythical creatures.

Dear vampire fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through
them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
...Sincerely,
Logic

OK, that is not necessarily why I'm creating this post. It's about mythical creatures...

 1) VAMPIRES

I came to fall in love with vampires the day i watched Vampire Diaries. something about Damon Salvatore, the personality contrast between him and his bro. By 'something about' i mean infatuation. I didn't fall in love with the series, but the two boys, especially Damon Salvatore. He has BAD written all over him..major turn on. Why we all love them, it's all in the mystery. The energy. The strength. The vulnerability, yeah, they are vulnerable. And the fact that all one needs is a bite  to be immortal.

 2) SUCCUBI 

These are creatures/beings that suck people's energy mainly through  sex. which eventually kills them. Yeah, fascinating! And guess what, you have to be female to be a succubus! If people applied to be that i would! Spiders bite off their mates heads hence the black widow title, imagine having the power to be a man's last? yeah, you sex the life out of him! literally. Which brings me to the question, have you ever heard of the forever widows? Women who's husbands die  few years after marriage? someone say SUCCUBUS! I'm not sure if its the same with lesbians.

P|S I'm a succa for succubus!

 

3) WEREWOLVES

The Wikepedia describes them as humans with the ability to shape shift into wolves or anthropomorphic-wolf like creatures, either purposely, by being bitten by another werewolf, or after being placed under a curse. Why these creatures are to die for, during the day, he's your man but during the night, he's a cute-pet-like dog wolf. If i talk about this any FURther (get it?) I'll delve into bestiality. 

 

4)GOOD MEN

Don't give me that look! Just like ghosts, we have heard about them but no one has seen/ met one. A good man is a good thing to have, but very hard to find. That's why we'll have to make live with finding a hard man, who is also good to find.

 

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.  ~Lana Turner
 

of detached penises

        

                                                      Argonaut

 The argonaut octopus is a type of nautilus. This tentacle animal swims around in the ocean, but while it’s busy looking for food and checking out the sights, the argonaut’s penis simply detaches itself and swims away to look for lady-parts. When scientists first encountered the disembodied penis, they thought it was a parasitic worm. It was only years later that they discovered the swimming organ was actually a zombie-like sperm bomb.

Fascinating! really..would you imagine if that really happened to human beings??? imagine walking down the street and bam! a penis starts sniffing sniffing searching for a way through your skirt to the lady-parts....OMG THE HORROR!!!! COME ON! HIDE THE WOMEN AND THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which makes me think, wouldn't that be great an excuse just to leave work early, or not show up at work?

"Excuse me sir, but there's this penis that's been following me the whole day, can i go home??." or, "sir, i can't leave my  house, my neighbors penis just detached itself."

Anyway, a life of ducking flying penises isn't fun....quite weird.

If I had a penis for a day... First thing I'd do is swivel my hips and get it going like a windmill ~ Emy Wanza

sexy.........when, where and why?

Definition:  what is perceived sexually attractive either to the opposite sex, or same sex, either by showing off the cleavage, legs...and a little skin here and there.

"sexual revolution came with wearing clothes that guaranteed we would get laid!"

--Emy Wanza

What's sexy to one, might be slutty to another. what's slutty to one, might be outright freaky and VERY DISTURBING to another. So, what is considered sexy and what is considered slutty? I don't know. But I'll talk about me.

Sexy, is when I'm cooking and cleaning in my underwear, same applies to men, I'd consider a man with just boxers and an apron sexy in the Kitchen. It's in the confinement of four walls, why not?

Sexy, is sleeping naked, or in a tiny flowery nightie that basically feels nothing on the skin.

A man whose phone's wallpaper is that of his girlfriend or wife. I find such men Neo-sexy

sexy is when I'm all naked and just free...i bet my skin loves it when it breaths

Sexy is when I'm in heels. yeah, four to five inch-high heels. I feel sexier, confident and womanly in them. Of course some heels are sorta kinda slutty. yeah, you know, the clear-glass-platformy kinda shoes

 I feel sexy in mini skirts, about a few centimeters of skin above the knees, that, even excites me...a little cleavage on the sides too, but the B-cup insecurity is engraved in my personality wall, i tend to think anyone with anything lower than a C-cup should just, cover them up. Someone once told me B cups are just the size of a D-cup's hard nipple, i was scarred for life.

I love my men absy, they never hurt anybody you know, i need those in my man too. actually i don't mind a tight tummy as long as *ahem* it's not a protruberate..pot-belly

I'm Five foot nothing, you'll be surprised by the kind of men i like....tall, not just tall, but tall tall, at least a foot or two taller than me. *smiles*. I like my men looking down on me (it sounds wrong), at least i know he's listening and it's super sexy!! I find standing on my toes while kissing mega sexy too!


Sexy is not trying too hard, neither is it doing it anyway, anyhow. I've seen sexy women in church, and I've seen grubby looking women in clubs, that's Sexy totally misplaced. Some women move from sandals to heels, hence adopting the i-might-have-a-stick-stuck-up-my-ass- kinda walk. NOT SEXY.
If it's too short and you are javing, please put on stockings, pulling the skirt/dress down every 10secs is not sexy and having mkokoteni/makanga men catcalling you is neither.That's all.

a few sexy quotes for you......

There's nothing wrong with my tits but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces."

-- Joan Crawford

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them."

-- Mae West

"Look your best--who said love is blind?"
-- Mae West

I thinks this chick is wearing an "airplane" skirt, because if she bends over, everyone is going to see the cockpit.

-Emy Wanza

 

Jehovah Witnesses....pass?

    Growing up, it was clear that, Jehovah Witnesses were not allowed in the house. Well, my mum simply asked for the booklets/pamphlets and politely asked them to leave, she'd read them later, as for me, i never really liked them, but i always read the booklets, which always contradicted what i was taught in Sunday school.
    Anyway, when I'm at home, and they come knocking, i never open for them, i try not to make any kind of noise that would suggest I'm in, then after a few minutes, they slip the papers under the door. Well, sometimes i wish i could shoo them away, but you know what they say, "never chase away the men of God." so i chose to just..ignore and pretend i never heard them knock.
     This fateful day i was basking outside, it was a warm lovely Saturday. Two women and one guy. they said hi, i responded with an awkward smile

JH: we are here to spread the word of God, can we have a minute of your time.

Me: (thinking, that's 60secs) sure

JH: if you don't mind, will you change for the word

Me: what's wrong with my dressing? I am dressed.

JH (lady 1): We thought the shorts were a little short

ME: you are spreading the word to me, not to the shorts..and the rest don't seem to mind.

JH: *giggles* (the guy) Hatujakuja vita..

Me: cool...start spreading (cheekily)

JH: Ok, which religion are you?

Me: catholic :-s

JH: what are your beliefs?

Me: Jesus is God, God is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is them, so, God is the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit. also, the word is Jesus...and we can pray to God  through Mary, the virgin, and the Saints. In Jesus we are forgiven and through him there's eternity. and BTW, we are all sinners, no one is holy but God...though i think, our Pope is holy, I'm not sure why..

JH: *all laugh* i can imagine one of the ladies thinking "for a short wearer, she's got a grasp on things*

JH (lady 1):  there's only one God and his name is Jehovah. Jesus, is Jehovah's son, a separate individual, the holy spirit (uncapitalized) is simply Jehovah God's active force.
(Then she took out a Watchtower bible)

The WatchTower bible

Me: can we use my bible?? i have the St. James version...

JH (guy) : no, we can only use this one

Me: I've never heard of such a bible, let's use the mostly used version, just like every other Christian, you are Christians, right??

JH (guy) : we can only use this one..
.
Me: well, use yours and I'll use mine.. the bible says, Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are one.

JH(guy): How can three personalities be one???

Me: Remember the same bile talks of Adam and Eve being one???

Lady1: Deuteronomy 6:4 states, "Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one. Isaiah 44:6 states, "I am the first and I am the last, and there is no God besides me..

Me:  For there are three who bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.” (1 John 5:7).. (then i gave them the knowing looking)

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel.” (Isaiah 7:14)...Immanuel, GOD WITH US...  God with us! seriously how do you refute that.

 another verse about the Holy Spirit,  “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy SpiritYou have not lied to men but to God.” (Acts 5:3-4 and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? …  (now giving the knowing it all look)

 you don't get it, it's one God in three persons!! He's the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. He is one, in three. 

JH: (guy) : so you are saying Jesus is God, The Holy Spirit is God and God is God...by your calculation, doesn't that sound that 3 Gods?? and the same bible tells us we can only worship One God, the supreme, the creator and the only God..God the God, in your case, God the Father?? what about the other "Gods" do you worship them too..

Me: perusing the bible....

For there are three who bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.” (1 John 5:7. ....

JH (lady 2): Do you know Mary wasn't a virgin? he had brothers and sisters

Me: "Then said the LORD unto me; This gate shall be shut, it shall not be opened, and no man shall enter in by it; because the LORD, the God of Israel, hath entered in by it, therefore it shall be shut." (Ezekiel 44:2). We'll never know if that was symbolic, wouldn't we? biblically, sisters/brothers, doesn't mean siblings from the same mother, remember on the cross, Mary was alone when he entrusted her to her disciples. where were the sisters and the brothers? they were his half brothers and sisters, from Mary Magdalene..not Mary mother of Jesus, there was also Mary, the wife of Cleophas, they couldn't be sisters, all the Marys, so that means they'd have been from the same clan.
 
JH (guy 1): Let's get serious now, we'll tell what we really believe, and quote a few verses just as you did then we'll see if we can agree on one thing..let's start with the Trinity, as Jehovah witnesses and by the word of the bible Jesus was Michael the archangel, this can....

Me: Hold up, are you saying Jesus is the Archangel...Michael the Archangel???? This discussion is over, you have a lovely day...


Btw, i googled Michael Archangel and the results.....most believe he is Jesus.

The monthly more than 5hrs of hell

Bloggers talk of inspiration...a lot, and i always wonder, i'm i really a blogger since i got no inspiration at all when posting nothings on here??? then it hits me, i'm not a blogger, just some random woman who found a place to say whatever, whenever! But today, this post is a recount of a painful journey no, a 5 hrs journey of pain...aaaaah! that's the best way to put it.


DISCLAIMER: IT'S GROSS, GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING

I see, reversed psychology sure works...

let. the. journey. begin.

2000hrs: A little pain here and there. I check the handbag/drawers to see if there are enough pain killers. the pain is not so much, so i decide to do the dishes and clean the kitchen

2045hrs: its sharper now. I take two tablets of meftal followed by an asprin knowing very well i'll repeat that a million times

2130hrs: this is the -tummy-confused- episode. it's not sure whether it's going through a stomach ache or just cramps. trip number one to the loo. i carry my phone to tweet and chat from there..

2145hrs:I leave the loo.I get a plastic bottle and heat water. It's gonna be a long night. Pop out 2 tablets and asprin again to ease the pain a little. it usually curbs 0.8% of the pain. yeah, it's stupid and a waste of medicine

2200hrs: Getting nauseous, i hate throwing up, but i run to the loo.. get pukey, at the same time holding a plastic bottle with hot water on my tummy.

2215hrs: i lie on the couch. watch something preferably a comedy. the pain is too much now. i pop the pain killing dosage again, not giving up. Empty the now warm water and pour in hot water..the kind that burns

2250hrs:I run to the loo, for some strange reason squatting has a relaxing feeling, so i don't leave the bathrom in a hurry. at that time i prolly wish i had a newspaper/book

2320hrs: I figure i'm doing nothing really. a thought crosses my mind, if i was pregnant i wouldn't be going through this. why i'm i not pregnant???

2330hrs: It's too much. i go outside,i look at the night sky, i'm not even sure of what i'm looking at...plus this is eastlands, i just can't take a walk...i go back inside

2345hrs: Nausea, again. I run to the bathroom. Hating myself now. wondering why it's happening to me.

2350hrs: I lie down on the flow, i try to do sit  ups...but i can't go past three. anyone listening carefully can hear me sob.

0010hrs: Another trip to the loo. it's so painful i understand why my brain/stomach keeps confusing it for a stomach ache/infection

0025hrs: back to the couch, another hot water refill. Last pain killing dosage.

0035hrs: i give up, switch of the telly and all the lights

0100hrs: aaaargh! I light everything back on and decide to do something else, like fold/iron clothes.

0110hrs: I check my watch "it's only been 10mins".. i slump on the bed, hoping to die just till the next day

0130hrs: now walking with a slouch. thinking -will this ever end-??? i lie down again on the couch. Now, i can't heat/boil any more water..i press the now warm bottle tightly on my stomach.....

0145hrs: i have to go puke....but i choose not to. few minutes later, i have to go to the loo, but i choose not to....


0800hrs: I wake up. i slept through it! *grooooooowl* that's the stomach rumbling. may the bloating begin! but that's nothng compared to the cramps

if you mess with me i'll feed you used tampons!

that day i actually kissed a girl

   

and no, this is not really how it happened

            This girl, let's call her Jen. ok, that's her real name...chances are, she'll never read this. We used to be close, really close. we did sleep overs, I always told her she was beautiful and a million times i'd told her i'd do her, if I was drunk enough and she'd jokingly ask me out and ask after a few drinks if i was drunk enough for me to take her to bed. All that time, i thought we were joking, little did i know..


       This one time, we went out, her, the boys (Alex, Mash and Mark) and I. It was a drinking spree..one of those, i broke up with my boyfriend, lets go hunt! kinda night. Alex always told me he never trusted our girlie friendship, so later that night, he dared us to kiss...like kiss kiss.

Me: psssht! what, i kiss my nephew, i kiss our kittens...it's nothing. i'd kiss her if i wanted to.

Alex: hah! for a G..i dare you to kiss Jen.

Me: on the lips?

Alex: Yes, on the lips.

Me: make that 2Gs

Alex: make that 5 secs..the kiss, 5 secs long

Me: you'd need to chuck 3Gs for that.

Alex: 3Gs, 10 secs.

Me: *grabbed the 3Gs, put in my handbag* Jen, will you mind kissing me.

Jen: not really, do you?

Me: for 3Gs, i'd kiss the bar tender.

Then we kissed. IT felt like eternity, especially after Jenny decided to go all french on me.. i couldn't loose the 3Gs already, no. i held on..literally. and she held on..literally. 15secs later i had to push her away........

Alex: it only took 3Gs for you two to cross the line. hah! now go get a room!

The night ended awkwardly. i didn't know what to think..and the fact that i giggled after the kiss and winked at her didn't help. i'll tell you why..

That night, coincidentally Aleki was our ride, and er...he dropped me off at Jen's place. yeah. I didn't want to show them the kiss was 'something'..and er...the sleepover was a bit awkward, we usually hugged up but this time i realy opted not to. but i did'nt tell her.

next morning...................

Me: OMG! what are you doing on top of me!

Jen: that's how i usually wake you up! :)  remember...

Me: God no, just get off of me.

Jen: shhhhh! You just broke up with  Donald, he was a jerk. and you deserved better.

Me: can we talk while sitted....and how is this (you on top of me) going to help with my break up????

Jen: ..what we did jana is something i've always wanted to do.

Me: yeah, i remember the tongue

Jen: Emy, even our friends see what we have is somehing else, something more, i've been hurt a lot, and i swore to never hurt anyone plus we are friends. it will be super. trust me.

Me: Are you hitting on me??? and why can't you get off of me, are you going to rape me. *why i asked that, i don't know*

Jen: no, i don't do that.and yes, i think this is the right time to tell you how i feel.......

Me: i  love you, as a friend, you are my friend, i never knew i was leading you on the whole time i talked about your beauty and how i'd do you...it was nothing sexual-ish.... i'm sorry.

Jen: Emy, you just don't say things, you think them, then say them..you are in denial..don't tell me when you said you'd do me you never really tought about it ....................*awkward silence* .......................and when you tell me i'm beautiful you don't really mean it ...........................*awkward silence* ............................................and that kiss last night, it was real, you should have withdrawn after the 10secs, but you didn't...........*awkward silence*

Me: i was drunk *voice a bit lower this time*

Jen: no you were'n't

Me: we were having fun...that was fun..nothing more. can we just forget it happened?!

Jen: no, i can't

then she leaned over to kiss me..erm, i didn't really kiss back???? i didn't move.....until she lifted the t-shirt i was wearing. I knew i had to stop her..i knew i had to stop myself...i pushed???? and she let go. i had to get out of there...and fast!





This monday the 14th

           

             I was watching this movie BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY and there's a bit she says "i suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, i was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine..and i'd finally die fat and alone and be found 3 weeks later half eaten by wild dogs." It's a lovely movie, main cast Renee Zellweger and Hugh Grant.

       
            Tomorrow monday the 14th, most women will be having such thoughts..especially single women. It's sad that we wait for holidays and feb the 14th to figure that we need men, or women to be complete. Btw, this sunday the 13th i went to get myself a hot dog from tuskys, thanks to my sis constant praises. At the supermarket they make the hot dogs near the entrance, and guess what, just a few meters from the hotdogs joint, there were shelves of red stuff, valentine stuff, and 100% of the people checking them out were men. Uh huh, i decided to do a 5mins mohammed Ali research. i asked the hotdogs guy to give me a minute to search for atleast a place/shelf with 'gifts for him' crowded by women, but nada. Not even a shelf of cards. Then i thought, maybe women aren't supposed to get men anything this monday the 14th, either that, or the supermarket was against women giving out gifts this monday the 14th. I picked a packet of 250gm corn and grabbed my hotdog on my way out. Btw it tasted bad...the hotdog            

            Anyway, i met with my girlfriends for tea, yes tea and er..this is What i figured, 100% of them will dump their boyfriends If they didnt give them anything. 100% of them expect a call between 0000hrs and 0900hrs. 90% of them will dump their boyfriends If they just called or gave them a card, only. And 75% of them will move to plan B in case the boyfriends didnt hint on anything valentine-ish, yes, they have plan Bs. After the tea i went back to my place thinking, most women will be disappointed this monday the 14th. They've put the bar waaay up there. They expect too much and they'll be disappointed that much. So, i made a sufuria of popcorn, remember the corn, and watched that movie. Then i got a light bulb moment, actually 90% of single women will get some major surprise this monday the 14th..

     I remembered last year, i chuckled..not the best 14th ever but, i wont tell, it was a surprise. Another thought crossed my mind, If He was here, i'd have gotten him a leather wallet, and a bottle of wine, of course the wine is meant for me. And i'd only expect a rose, a box of assorted chocolate and his presence. Then i'd take him to the bedroom and show him What my wishes are between monday the 14th and sunday the 31st December....by cuffing him to the bed and making him wish he never left it, that Would hint What my wish was. ;-)