WOMEN DRIVERS

am pretty sure that woman had a good reason....or not.

when anything (our cars) breakdown, we loose our minds...+ one shoe (it's always one shoe,why??) + a piece of clothing....and what the hell is that she's trying to change the tyre with???

i bet she's calling the boyfriend, cursing him for not taking her wherever she was going.....then she'll ask him to come help her out.....before the popo arrive.

we never know our car sizes...& bra sizes..& shoe sizes...& clothes sizes...that's why we always squeeze ourselves in anything 2 sizes smaller.

sometimes we just don't know when to shut up...best solution, that ^^^^..

this is what happens when a few PMSing drivers meet..enough said.

BEST THING AFTER HUMAN HAIR WEAVES

it's been said again and again that women are bad drivers..well,

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Women can get out of traffic offenses by pouting. This will get men arrested.

of life and lemons.....

When life gives you lemons, be sure to send a hand written thank you note for the lemons, as email thank you notes can appear to be less sincere.
i mean, you are living already, do with the lemons, the dead sorta envy you and they'd do anything to have the lemons.

When life gives you lemons suck out all of the vitamin C and yell “EAT THAT, LIFE!
there's always something good about life, if you look really hard. try and make every bad thing positive and the ones you can't change. forget and  move on.

When life gives you lemons ask for salt and tequila!
yeah, if you believe in a higher deity. Never be content with what life gives you, always strive for better things. if you get a crappy job, thank God you have it, but no one said you can't keep praying for a better job and pay.

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice, then let everyone wonder how the heck you did it.
At times people make us to believe we are loosers. Nothing is ever the way you want it to be, people se nothing good of you and you never seem to get out of the rut you're in. other than branding yourself a looser, surprise everyone, strive to make it, it always pays off.

When life gives you lemons, collect them one day life will stop and u would have the most lemons ever.
Ok, that is for everyone who just gave up. It's always good to be the miserable goon everyone knows, it's a title, right?

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone else who life handed vodka to, and have a party...
Exactly! i believe that's self explanatory... it's all about friends and sometimes family.

When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!
making the best out of everything, that's whatssup! Nothing is ever that bad, if altered.

When life gives you lemons just shut up and eat your damn lemons.
NO one really cares. every body prolly has lemons, the last thing they want to hear is yu talk about your lemons..

When life gives you lemons sell them on.
Human is into energy. bad energy is transferable. Don't be miserable alone, spread it! if at a 'price', even better!

When life gives you lemons when no one is looking, throw them through life’s window and run away.
LOl, more like suicide. 
When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in his eye
When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut..
When life gives you lemons, ask for the receipt

if there's one thing i came to know, life hates lemons.

as told by women....

Don't pretend we don't tell you when something's wrong. Come on now. Increased food intake. Foot tapping. Crossed arms.crying, pouting....c'mon! isn't that enough for you to know something is wrong?.

We love to hear we are beautiful. Breaking it down into specifics is even better.

We're not always aware of our breasts. If we happen to brush up against you, we're not necessarily coming on to you. Sometimes we are. But it's not a given.

We don't expect you to read our minds. We expect you to ask. and insist.

We remember if you told us you would call us tomorrow, so if you don't mean tomorrow, say "soon." No woman will ever hold it against you if you call when you say you will, and we always notice when you don't.

We want you to have your "guy time." In fact, if you don't have a great group of men to hang around, it's a turn-off.

we like doing stuff by ourselves sometimes— drive our careers, pay the bills, fix broken appliances, assemble furniture. The only place we don't have to do it ourselves is in the bedroom. For that one small slice of the day, we'll actually give up control and let someone else own us. So, own us.


Why do you spell "you" as "u" in a text? Spell it out. Is it really that hard?txtn lyk dis is a turn off. leaves ??? to ur maturity.

If you tell us you love us during sex, it will only confuse us. We won't know whether the sentiment is genuine or blurted out in the heat of passion. If you mean it and want to tell us, wait until we're fully clothed and you're fully sober.

you have our interest if you pick us up in a cab (and your car if you own one). You have our hearts if you drop us off and expect 'nothing'.

When we ask you to be honest, and your honest response is something you know we will be upset about, fib just a little. But only because you love us.

As much as we want to say that looks don't matter, they are a big part of first impressions. Physical attraction gets the door open, but pretty much from there, it really is your personality that will carry you.

back massages and foot rubs are a complete turn on.. do them often. shows you care.

thank me later

want to know if you are ready to have kids..

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all day..

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

if you do all these without pulling your hair, you are sooo ready to have kids..oh, and by the way.....

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers

past mistake?? no.

She was a shell, empty and alone
Where could she go? Who could she tell?

Was easier to stay, to accept defeat
Everyone told her, that's the way it should be.

They all looked away, and left her alone
they turned their heads, to any broken bones

They told her to be strong, for that was the plan
Her only goal,should be to please her man

She did her best, She gave it her all
When asked "What happened?" She said, "Oh, Just a fall"

Years went by, she learned to adapt
she learned how not to make him mad

She learned how to please, Just what to say
She learned to make sure, he had a good day

Those looking on could not see? Would not see?
The pain that was so deep inside of her,Was it easier to just look away?

Distance and time, closed for her
there was a hand that, could be reached

A hand with a face, from the past
A hand that only for a short time would last

she held on to that hand, with all her might
she pulled herself up, she learned how to fight

A year has past, and now she sees
just how wonderful life should be
since she met the goody two shoes she dumped
years ago, for the bad ass man.

bringing nerdy back!!! here's why, ladies!

In relationships, couples spend most of their time conversing. Good looks are just the initial trigger. Women look for brain power as they prefer mature men. For men, women's beauty is something they like to flaunt, initially. They love that women look at them in wonderment and admiration. (nerds) One advantage of dating a nerd, who doesn't score a high average in looks, is that there's little female competition.
Female rivalry is something that put women off.

Largely ignored in high school and overshadowed by their cooler classmates, nerds have something special to offer in the dating world. Namely, they are interesting, quirky and will treat you like gold. Ladies, is the reason you aren’t getting very far in the dating world because you haven’t let go of the girl you were in high school? We know it’s a stereotype, but sometimes women pine after the rebellious cool guy, the one that mothers hate and girlfriends envy. While we’re driving ourselves crazy to impress Mr. Cool, the undiscovered nerd is standing in the shadows waiting to be noticed. this soft-spoken loner is smart, sincere and will genuinely be nice to you. If you haven’t given a second look to the guy that looks like your former Chemistry tutor, perhaps you should delve deeper into this untapped resource.


. HE'S HEARTFELT
Although sometimes awkward, geeks are usually well-meaning and sincere. He wants to get to know you and feel comfortable with a real lady. Surely, it is quite a difference from the lonely nights with Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, but a welcome change nonetheless.


YOU WILL GET THE STAR TREATMENT
Often overlooked, these guys can appreciate a woman when they get one. Likely to be a priority in his life, they show you off to their friends, call when they say they will and will most likely impress Mom and Dad. Okay, so maybe you will be number 2 or 3 after the computer games and geek trivia, but you won’t be on a long list of ladies vying for some time with him.


HE'S A GENTLEMAN
A far cry from the smarmy creep at the bar, nerds are more likely to debate your favorite Superman villain than only go after that “one thing.” With little less relationship experience, his naïve fumbling with romantic advances come off as endearing and honest.


HE'S A GO-GO-GADGET BOY!
Nerds tend to be more tech-savvy than the average layman, so whenever a frustrating situation happens with cache memory, deleting cookies or synchronizing the network
he can get those gadgets to behave.

HE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH
With quirky interests and a matching sense of humor; nerds can share some interesting trivia or strange hobbies and while laughing at themselves, too. It’s a welcome deviation from the “I’m too cool to laugh at myself” act.

HE KEEPS THE RIGHT COMPANY
Nerdy guys often have awkward geek friends. So instead of bad influences or disrespectful attitudes, your nerd man is hanging out with these guys playing SOLITARE. A welcome reprieve from the raunchy “Guys Night Out,” when who knows what could happen, these guys are spending time with the fellas discussing politics or network gaming. Plus, the buddies treat you nice when you come around, while your new man will be the hit in the group with such a hot gal on his arm.

YOU CAN BE YOURSELF
You don’t have to put on a show for these guys by wearing 4 inch heels and making yourself up to look like a goddess. We bet they wouldn’t mind your hair in a ponytail, the makeup-free glow, or your favorite jersey. You can be yourself around him and he won’t be the jerk that works so hard to make you feel ugly.

A MASSIVE EGO IS LESS LIKELY OF A PROBLEM

While everyone has an ego, a geeky guy probably won't have the kind of obnoxious get in a fight, stare at the waitress's ass bravado you find with all those douche bags on The Hills, for example. They haven't placed their self-worth on gaining social accolades and working the fickle popularity later, so therefore they don't expect it and won't act out in public if they don't get it. He's used to peacefully existing in the background, and might actually even prefer it—especially with you sitting next to him.


Like finding a diamond in the rough, your nerdy guy can be your own little treasure that no one has discovered yet. You will have to discover them, by the way. Nerdy ones are not the type to seek you out or make the first move, so you will have to be the brave one. But upon further examination, choosing a nerd may improve your chances of making a real connection.

Due to their neglected past, there are a bevy of nerdy gentlemen out there that never garnered a second look that are ready and willing to have a real relationship with someone that will give him a chance. So what if they are interested in geeky things? They make great companions because they stimulate the most vital organ: the brain.

because he's a man

Because he's a man, when he locks his keys in the car, he will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. he will win.

Because He's a man, when the car isn't running very well, he'll pop the hood and stare at the engine as if he knows what he's looking at. If another man shows up, one of them will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." they will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because he's a man, when he catches a cold, he needs someone to bring him soup and take care of him while he lies in bed and moans. You're a woman. You never get as sick as he does, so for you, this is no problem.

Because he's a man, he can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. he cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all he knows, these are the same thing.

Because he's a man, when one of his appliances stops working, he will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost him twice as much once the repair person gets there and has to put it back together.

Because he's a man, he does not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit you, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than he has to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; he doesn't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for his mother, too.

Because he's a man, you don't have to ask him if he liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, he didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then he will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because he's a man, he thinks what you're wearing is fine. he thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can you just go now?

Because he's a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century, he will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the dishes, etc and he'll do the rest.... like wandering around the house holding beer, wondering what to do.

power of a man!

~ He can love a woman in a way that she's never been loved before, and yet hurt her with the same intensity.
~Treat a woman like a queen, then turnaround and make her wish she was never born.
~Make a woman cry with happiness and joy then down the lane make her cry with anger and hate.
~ Let a woman feel free and wanted but also make her feel disgusted and unworthy.
~ look a woman in the face and tell her how much he loves her but turnaround and sleep with her best friend.
~ During sex make her feel like heaven, or she's in heaven, and after some time make her feel like a whore.
~ To make a woman fall in love with him within days and hate him within minutes.
~ Change a woman from having her goals to living his goals other than hers.


__________WHY IS IT THAT MEN HAVE SUCH POWERS__________
~we give it to them. these powers wouldn't exist without a woman. so when times are hard and you realize he treats you bad, remember that it's because you allow him. Never underestimate your power because without it you are stuck with the power of a man.

ring my bell.... *dreamy*

Do you like making spoons in bed?
Or do you do it on all fours like beasts
Perhaps in the style of the missionaries
Or does she straddle you like a monkey on a stick?
Is she animated when you’re at it?
Thrashing about a lot
Or motionless like a resuscitation doll
Maybe you have her with trembling knees against a wall?
Mounting her roughly from behind
What about the wheelbarrow?
Have you tried that position?
Maybe bondage or spanking is your thing?
Do you play two way family favorites?
Kissing the inside of her milky white thigh
Before drinking from the velvet cup
Does she enjoy performing orally?
Is her behavior quite low, morally
Base and sluttish
Or is she prim and proper
Prudish about being rude-ish

Maybe it’s not what you do but who you do it with
Vampish or tarty, dumb or smarty
Level headed or dotty
Intelligently spectacled
Scantily clad in edibles
What about role playing and dressing up
Does she wear uniforms of cotton or serge?
Do you play doctors and nurses?
Teacher and pupil
Acting out fantasies of filth
Do you do it wearing a hat?
Cross dressing perhaps
In a pencil skirt or floral dress
Leather goods or latex or pace
What about toys or sexual aids
No let’s not go there
What about swinging do you fancy that?
Arriving in a Porsche and going home in a Passat
Does she need to be of a certain physical type?
To be of the right dimensions?
Or proportions
Or perhaps pear shapedshade of brown eyes
Hair, long and flawless
ponytall or let down
Do you like her beaver wild or tamed?
Does a Brazilian look too much like you need a swipe card?
And if it looks like Adolph Hitler’s moustache do you care
When her breasts are released are they like airbags deploying
Or are they small and pert just enough for toying
Are you fussy about her appearance?
Or is a pulse all she needs
Perhaps you’re not even that fussy

Is she noisy when you’re on the nest?
Perhaps that’s what you like the best
Once she’s warmed up do you make her bellow?
So you have to turn her over and make her bite the pillow?
What about location does it matter where it’s done
Do you like it to be a public place?
When she’s sitting on your face
Do you like it al fresco in the woods or maybe the park
Or does a dog sniffing your bum put you off your stroke
At someone’s party under a pile of coats
At the cinema or theatre
Out back in a dark alley way
In the car? We’ve all done it there
All around the house in the bathroom and on the stair
Well you can do it in the hall or on the kitchen table
Even on the toilet if she doesn’t care
It doesn’t matter what you do to ring each others bell
Or where you ring it bloody hell
Just as long as all party’s are willing and able
That’s the best thing of all and the most important
And the most exiting when she tells you yes

PMSing baaaaaaaaad!

Dear Mr. Always CEO,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 8 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably go about my daily chores and routine. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. CEO? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into a sick looking bitch that will be spewing her guts out, tummy hurting like crazy, joints going numb and my back aching like that of a frigging overworked donkey!@

As brand CEO in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flow down there. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to chop off her boyfriend's testicles just because he told her he thought CougarTown was stupid and not funny!. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the world is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants, every 'periodic' day. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-CEO brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, CEO? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to stuff your face with anything edible, and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march out, to that freaking bastard who pissed you last week and you just figured you needed to kill him!. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the knife" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be a 80/= drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````

a little further

The reason I never can quit the road
Is a reason that's plain and clear.
It's because no matter where I may stop
And whether it's far or near

There's a place beyond the place I am,
Wherever I may be at,
And then beyond is a place beyond
And the world beyond all that!

And as long as a man has eyes to see
And a brain that wants to know,
I figure there's things he's bound to miss
If he doesn't go on and go;

For there's always a place beyond the place
I happen to hang my hat,
And another place beyond that place
And the world beyond all that!

There's some folks stay in a single spot
Or a town of which they're fond,
And never worry a little bit
At the thought of a place beyond;

But the place beyond the place beyond
Won't never let me rest
For there's a sort of a kind of urge
That's burning within my breast--

To go and go till the end of life,
And when I've left it flat,
Go on beyond the place beyond;
And the universe after that

uhm..

note to you

ok. this is a first, i'm not really a good writter, or rather good in writting..imma try. it might be an awful decision, starting up this, i hate being disappointed so incase it fails, imma kill myself...nah jk. i'll probably stop and forget.if you like 'em, feel free to tell me, if you don't like, please don't bother telling me.

thank you.