why my neighbors will never follow me on twitter...

I met Baba Esther at the Cargo village in JKIA, driving a Swissport cargo tractor.

HIM: Emily!

ME: OMG hey!

HIM: You work here??

ME: No. I work around here!

HIM: Let me go park this and come see your office...who knows, i might bump in for tea or coffee

ME: me ~> O_o.. Actually now that you know where I work I think I'll have to quit my job and find another one somewhere else...

HIM:  Are you serious?

ME: YES! 

 He's never talked to me since then.

Wangeci, she's not really a friend but it's a we-have-to-be-friends-because-we-are-neighbors- kinda friendship. She's a.....what my bro calls a she-Yokozuna. She always asks me to carry stuff for her when going up the stairs, every time we bump into each other at the gate. we are on the same floor, the 5th floor. This day that our friendship broke,  I joked about her weight.

ME: I hate it when we have to stop after every floor.

HER: We all know you have nothing to do in the house, twende pole pole

ME: I hate that this friendship will have to end because of your weight, I'm not going to wait another minute for you to catch your breathe..also, this bag is full of junk and we all know I'll have none of it.

Then I put her stuff down and left for my house. The next day I said hi, she looked like if she would, she'd butt-smother me.

Then there's Njoro. I tweeted about this incidence last week. I went to pick my DVDs and found his supposedly girl-friend in his house, who has no sense of humor whatsoever!  just like everybody else;

 ME: Hey. Hapa ni kwa Njoro? (insert cheeky smile)

HER: yeah.

ME:...... and you are?

HER: his girlfriend...

ME: uh huh! hah!

HER: What does that mean?

ME: what does what mean?

HER:  (visibly angry) akikuja ntamwambia you came for your DVDs..

ME: er...wacha tu, i'll call and tell him i was here...or i'll just wait until he comes home, his house...home. by the way, Hse no. 17B

 The next day, Njoro asked me to go straighten everything up, tell her who I was and why I chuckled when she said she was the girlfried.


Another incident with Ruth; her nephews always come to visit her during the weekend, a fact I didn't know. She banned the young boys from my balcony ever since that day I told her,

there are kids around here who make so much noise on Saturdays, one day I might push them down the stairs or over the balcony!"

HER: THEY ARE MY NEPHEWS!

ME: I take that back then.

Apparently my neighbors do not have aaaaaaaaaany sense of funny, by funny I mean humor...and I'm not moving out of that flat any time soon.

You came really close to clever before veering off into a ditch and exploding in a flaming ball of stupid.

It's all fun and games......

   This life we living in should never be taken seriously, as some idiot once said, no one gets out alive anyway. We tend to take everything at face value, judging before we fit in others shoes and pointing fingers at situations we can't tell of the when, the where and the why. We are an uptight lot. Anyway, that's not what this post is really about. It's about funny situations that lead to serious cases.

      It's all fun and games until verbal abuse upgrades to physical abuse. I have a friend who always argued with the boyfriend and the scenario always turned ugly with name-calling in public. Until this one day she asked us for lunch because she wanted 'to talk'...she showed up with a black eye. Apparently the boyfriend lost it, his tempers, because she called some chic he's been vibing for a while a 'whore'. It was time to proclaim her ass single and leave the guy.

    It's all fun and games until you're at the gynaecologist your legs uncrossed & your fingers crossed.one word. TOYS!...and condoms, and tampons. Explaining any farther would turn graphic

   It's all fun and games on twitter until people start calling each others names. It always starts with sub-tweets, or CCs, and as for me, it started when i called one @mbusih a punk ass. LOL. Then the TTs, you go in on one, tweet shit and before you know it, you've created 'enemies'. This thing we call twitter is complicated.

     It's all fun and games until your mum realizes she only pays 3 sh for a voice message, and tells every other relative that it's OK to leave a voice message....since it's cheap. Yes, now my mum leaves voice messages and most of the time, it's nothing nice. Her asking why I'm not picking my phone with her -I'd smack-your-ass-if-I-was-near- tone.

  It's all fun and games until someones loses the key to the handcuffs. For the Kinky and the kinkees.

  It's all fun and games until that friend, boyfriend, that you always thought was gay, hits on you. Or your friend, girlfriend, tells you shit she feels about you, had one of those experiences. http://emywanza.blogspot.com/2011/03/that-day-i-actually-kissed-girl.html

when someone embraces your unique & beautiful brand of crazy, hang onto them fiercely ~Emy Wanza

of vampires and mythical creatures.

Dear vampire fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through
them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
...Sincerely,
Logic

OK, that is not necessarily why I'm creating this post. It's about mythical creatures...

 1) VAMPIRES

I came to fall in love with vampires the day i watched Vampire Diaries. something about Damon Salvatore, the personality contrast between him and his bro. By 'something about' i mean infatuation. I didn't fall in love with the series, but the two boys, especially Damon Salvatore. He has BAD written all over him..major turn on. Why we all love them, it's all in the mystery. The energy. The strength. The vulnerability, yeah, they are vulnerable. And the fact that all one needs is a bite  to be immortal.

 2) SUCCUBI 

These are creatures/beings that suck people's energy mainly through  sex. which eventually kills them. Yeah, fascinating! And guess what, you have to be female to be a succubus! If people applied to be that i would! Spiders bite off their mates heads hence the black widow title, imagine having the power to be a man's last? yeah, you sex the life out of him! literally. Which brings me to the question, have you ever heard of the forever widows? Women who's husbands die  few years after marriage? someone say SUCCUBUS! I'm not sure if its the same with lesbians.

P|S I'm a succa for succubus!

 

3) WEREWOLVES

The Wikepedia describes them as humans with the ability to shape shift into wolves or anthropomorphic-wolf like creatures, either purposely, by being bitten by another werewolf, or after being placed under a curse. Why these creatures are to die for, during the day, he's your man but during the night, he's a cute-pet-like dog wolf. If i talk about this any FURther (get it?) I'll delve into bestiality. 

 

4)GOOD MEN

Don't give me that look! Just like ghosts, we have heard about them but no one has seen/ met one. A good man is a good thing to have, but very hard to find. That's why we'll have to make live with finding a hard man, who is also good to find.

 

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.  ~Lana Turner
 

of detached penises

        

                                                      Argonaut

 The argonaut octopus is a type of nautilus. This tentacle animal swims around in the ocean, but while it’s busy looking for food and checking out the sights, the argonaut’s penis simply detaches itself and swims away to look for lady-parts. When scientists first encountered the disembodied penis, they thought it was a parasitic worm. It was only years later that they discovered the swimming organ was actually a zombie-like sperm bomb.

Fascinating! really..would you imagine if that really happened to human beings??? imagine walking down the street and bam! a penis starts sniffing sniffing searching for a way through your skirt to the lady-parts....OMG THE HORROR!!!! COME ON! HIDE THE WOMEN AND THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which makes me think, wouldn't that be great an excuse just to leave work early, or not show up at work?

"Excuse me sir, but there's this penis that's been following me the whole day, can i go home??." or, "sir, i can't leave my  house, my neighbors penis just detached itself."

Anyway, a life of ducking flying penises isn't fun....quite weird.

If I had a penis for a day... First thing I'd do is swivel my hips and get it going like a windmill ~ Emy Wanza

sexy.........when, where and why?

Definition:  what is perceived sexually attractive either to the opposite sex, or same sex, either by showing off the cleavage, legs...and a little skin here and there.

"sexual revolution came with wearing clothes that guaranteed we would get laid!"

--Emy Wanza

What's sexy to one, might be slutty to another. what's slutty to one, might be outright freaky and VERY DISTURBING to another. So, what is considered sexy and what is considered slutty? I don't know. But I'll talk about me.

Sexy, is when I'm cooking and cleaning in my underwear, same applies to men, I'd consider a man with just boxers and an apron sexy in the Kitchen. It's in the confinement of four walls, why not?

Sexy, is sleeping naked, or in a tiny flowery nightie that basically feels nothing on the skin.

A man whose phone's wallpaper is that of his girlfriend or wife. I find such men Neo-sexy

sexy is when I'm all naked and just free...i bet my skin loves it when it breaths

Sexy is when I'm in heels. yeah, four to five inch-high heels. I feel sexier, confident and womanly in them. Of course some heels are sorta kinda slutty. yeah, you know, the clear-glass-platformy kinda shoes

 I feel sexy in mini skirts, about a few centimeters of skin above the knees, that, even excites me...a little cleavage on the sides too, but the B-cup insecurity is engraved in my personality wall, i tend to think anyone with anything lower than a C-cup should just, cover them up. Someone once told me B cups are just the size of a D-cup's hard nipple, i was scarred for life.

I love my men absy, they never hurt anybody you know, i need those in my man too. actually i don't mind a tight tummy as long as *ahem* it's not a protruberate..pot-belly

I'm Five foot nothing, you'll be surprised by the kind of men i like....tall, not just tall, but tall tall, at least a foot or two taller than me. *smiles*. I like my men looking down on me (it sounds wrong), at least i know he's listening and it's super sexy!! I find standing on my toes while kissing mega sexy too!


Sexy is not trying too hard, neither is it doing it anyway, anyhow. I've seen sexy women in church, and I've seen grubby looking women in clubs, that's Sexy totally misplaced. Some women move from sandals to heels, hence adopting the i-might-have-a-stick-stuck-up-my-ass- kinda walk. NOT SEXY.
If it's too short and you are javing, please put on stockings, pulling the skirt/dress down every 10secs is not sexy and having mkokoteni/makanga men catcalling you is neither.That's all.

a few sexy quotes for you......

There's nothing wrong with my tits but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces."

-- Joan Crawford

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them."

-- Mae West

"Look your best--who said love is blind?"
-- Mae West

I thinks this chick is wearing an "airplane" skirt, because if she bends over, everyone is going to see the cockpit.

-Emy Wanza

 

Jehovah Witnesses....pass?

    Growing up, it was clear that, Jehovah Witnesses were not allowed in the house. Well, my mum simply asked for the booklets/pamphlets and politely asked them to leave, she'd read them later, as for me, i never really liked them, but i always read the booklets, which always contradicted what i was taught in Sunday school.
    Anyway, when I'm at home, and they come knocking, i never open for them, i try not to make any kind of noise that would suggest I'm in, then after a few minutes, they slip the papers under the door. Well, sometimes i wish i could shoo them away, but you know what they say, "never chase away the men of God." so i chose to just..ignore and pretend i never heard them knock.
     This fateful day i was basking outside, it was a warm lovely Saturday. Two women and one guy. they said hi, i responded with an awkward smile

JH: we are here to spread the word of God, can we have a minute of your time.

Me: (thinking, that's 60secs) sure

JH: if you don't mind, will you change for the word

Me: what's wrong with my dressing? I am dressed.

JH (lady 1): We thought the shorts were a little short

ME: you are spreading the word to me, not to the shorts..and the rest don't seem to mind.

JH: *giggles* (the guy) Hatujakuja vita..

Me: cool...start spreading (cheekily)

JH: Ok, which religion are you?

Me: catholic :-s

JH: what are your beliefs?

Me: Jesus is God, God is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is them, so, God is the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit. also, the word is Jesus...and we can pray to God  through Mary, the virgin, and the Saints. In Jesus we are forgiven and through him there's eternity. and BTW, we are all sinners, no one is holy but God...though i think, our Pope is holy, I'm not sure why..

JH: *all laugh* i can imagine one of the ladies thinking "for a short wearer, she's got a grasp on things*

JH (lady 1):  there's only one God and his name is Jehovah. Jesus, is Jehovah's son, a separate individual, the holy spirit (uncapitalized) is simply Jehovah God's active force.
(Then she took out a Watchtower bible)

The WatchTower bible

Me: can we use my bible?? i have the St. James version...

JH (guy) : no, we can only use this one

Me: I've never heard of such a bible, let's use the mostly used version, just like every other Christian, you are Christians, right??

JH (guy) : we can only use this one..
.
Me: well, use yours and I'll use mine.. the bible says, Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are one.

JH(guy): How can three personalities be one???

Me: Remember the same bile talks of Adam and Eve being one???

Lady1: Deuteronomy 6:4 states, "Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one. Isaiah 44:6 states, "I am the first and I am the last, and there is no God besides me..

Me:  For there are three who bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.” (1 John 5:7).. (then i gave them the knowing looking)

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel.” (Isaiah 7:14)...Immanuel, GOD WITH US...  God with us! seriously how do you refute that.

 another verse about the Holy Spirit,  “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy SpiritYou have not lied to men but to God.” (Acts 5:3-4 and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? …  (now giving the knowing it all look)

 you don't get it, it's one God in three persons!! He's the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. He is one, in three. 

JH: (guy) : so you are saying Jesus is God, The Holy Spirit is God and God is God...by your calculation, doesn't that sound that 3 Gods?? and the same bible tells us we can only worship One God, the supreme, the creator and the only God..God the God, in your case, God the Father?? what about the other "Gods" do you worship them too..

Me: perusing the bible....

For there are three who bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.” (1 John 5:7. ....

JH (lady 2): Do you know Mary wasn't a virgin? he had brothers and sisters

Me: "Then said the LORD unto me; This gate shall be shut, it shall not be opened, and no man shall enter in by it; because the LORD, the God of Israel, hath entered in by it, therefore it shall be shut." (Ezekiel 44:2). We'll never know if that was symbolic, wouldn't we? biblically, sisters/brothers, doesn't mean siblings from the same mother, remember on the cross, Mary was alone when he entrusted her to her disciples. where were the sisters and the brothers? they were his half brothers and sisters, from Mary Magdalene..not Mary mother of Jesus, there was also Mary, the wife of Cleophas, they couldn't be sisters, all the Marys, so that means they'd have been from the same clan.
 
JH (guy 1): Let's get serious now, we'll tell what we really believe, and quote a few verses just as you did then we'll see if we can agree on one thing..let's start with the Trinity, as Jehovah witnesses and by the word of the bible Jesus was Michael the archangel, this can....

Me: Hold up, are you saying Jesus is the Archangel...Michael the Archangel???? This discussion is over, you have a lovely day...


Btw, i googled Michael Archangel and the results.....most believe he is Jesus.

The monthly more than 5hrs of hell

Bloggers talk of inspiration...a lot, and i always wonder, i'm i really a blogger since i got no inspiration at all when posting nothings on here??? then it hits me, i'm not a blogger, just some random woman who found a place to say whatever, whenever! But today, this post is a recount of a painful journey no, a 5 hrs journey of pain...aaaaah! that's the best way to put it.


DISCLAIMER: IT'S GROSS, GO BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING

I see, reversed psychology sure works...

let. the. journey. begin.

2000hrs: A little pain here and there. I check the handbag/drawers to see if there are enough pain killers. the pain is not so much, so i decide to do the dishes and clean the kitchen

2045hrs: its sharper now. I take two tablets of meftal followed by an asprin knowing very well i'll repeat that a million times

2130hrs: this is the -tummy-confused- episode. it's not sure whether it's going through a stomach ache or just cramps. trip number one to the loo. i carry my phone to tweet and chat from there..

2145hrs:I leave the loo.I get a plastic bottle and heat water. It's gonna be a long night. Pop out 2 tablets and asprin again to ease the pain a little. it usually curbs 0.8% of the pain. yeah, it's stupid and a waste of medicine

2200hrs: Getting nauseous, i hate throwing up, but i run to the loo.. get pukey, at the same time holding a plastic bottle with hot water on my tummy.

2215hrs: i lie on the couch. watch something preferably a comedy. the pain is too much now. i pop the pain killing dosage again, not giving up. Empty the now warm water and pour in hot water..the kind that burns

2250hrs:I run to the loo, for some strange reason squatting has a relaxing feeling, so i don't leave the bathrom in a hurry. at that time i prolly wish i had a newspaper/book

2320hrs: I figure i'm doing nothing really. a thought crosses my mind, if i was pregnant i wouldn't be going through this. why i'm i not pregnant???

2330hrs: It's too much. i go outside,i look at the night sky, i'm not even sure of what i'm looking at...plus this is eastlands, i just can't take a walk...i go back inside

2345hrs: Nausea, again. I run to the bathroom. Hating myself now. wondering why it's happening to me.

2350hrs: I lie down on the flow, i try to do sit  ups...but i can't go past three. anyone listening carefully can hear me sob.

0010hrs: Another trip to the loo. it's so painful i understand why my brain/stomach keeps confusing it for a stomach ache/infection

0025hrs: back to the couch, another hot water refill. Last pain killing dosage.

0035hrs: i give up, switch of the telly and all the lights

0100hrs: aaaargh! I light everything back on and decide to do something else, like fold/iron clothes.

0110hrs: I check my watch "it's only been 10mins".. i slump on the bed, hoping to die just till the next day

0130hrs: now walking with a slouch. thinking -will this ever end-??? i lie down again on the couch. Now, i can't heat/boil any more water..i press the now warm bottle tightly on my stomach.....

0145hrs: i have to go puke....but i choose not to. few minutes later, i have to go to the loo, but i choose not to....


0800hrs: I wake up. i slept through it! *grooooooowl* that's the stomach rumbling. may the bloating begin! but that's nothng compared to the cramps

if you mess with me i'll feed you used tampons!