This monday the 14th

           

             I was watching this movie BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY and there's a bit she says "i suddenly realized that unless something changed soon, i was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine..and i'd finally die fat and alone and be found 3 weeks later half eaten by wild dogs." It's a lovely movie, main cast Renee Zellweger and Hugh Grant.

       
            Tomorrow monday the 14th, most women will be having such thoughts..especially single women. It's sad that we wait for holidays and feb the 14th to figure that we need men, or women to be complete. Btw, this sunday the 13th i went to get myself a hot dog from tuskys, thanks to my sis constant praises. At the supermarket they make the hot dogs near the entrance, and guess what, just a few meters from the hotdogs joint, there were shelves of red stuff, valentine stuff, and 100% of the people checking them out were men. Uh huh, i decided to do a 5mins mohammed Ali research. i asked the hotdogs guy to give me a minute to search for atleast a place/shelf with 'gifts for him' crowded by women, but nada. Not even a shelf of cards. Then i thought, maybe women aren't supposed to get men anything this monday the 14th, either that, or the supermarket was against women giving out gifts this monday the 14th. I picked a packet of 250gm corn and grabbed my hotdog on my way out. Btw it tasted bad...the hotdog            

            Anyway, i met with my girlfriends for tea, yes tea and er..this is What i figured, 100% of them will dump their boyfriends If they didnt give them anything. 100% of them expect a call between 0000hrs and 0900hrs. 90% of them will dump their boyfriends If they just called or gave them a card, only. And 75% of them will move to plan B in case the boyfriends didnt hint on anything valentine-ish, yes, they have plan Bs. After the tea i went back to my place thinking, most women will be disappointed this monday the 14th. They've put the bar waaay up there. They expect too much and they'll be disappointed that much. So, i made a sufuria of popcorn, remember the corn, and watched that movie. Then i got a light bulb moment, actually 90% of single women will get some major surprise this monday the 14th..

     I remembered last year, i chuckled..not the best 14th ever but, i wont tell, it was a surprise. Another thought crossed my mind, If He was here, i'd have gotten him a leather wallet, and a bottle of wine, of course the wine is meant for me. And i'd only expect a rose, a box of assorted chocolate and his presence. Then i'd take him to the bedroom and show him What my wishes are between monday the 14th and sunday the 31st December....by cuffing him to the bed and making him wish he never left it, that Would hint What my wish was. ;-)

WOMEN DRIVERS

am pretty sure that woman had a good reason....or not.

when anything (our cars) breakdown, we loose our minds...+ one shoe (it's always one shoe,why??) + a piece of clothing....and what the hell is that she's trying to change the tyre with???

i bet she's calling the boyfriend, cursing him for not taking her wherever she was going.....then she'll ask him to come help her out.....before the popo arrive.

we never know our car sizes...& bra sizes..& shoe sizes...& clothes sizes...that's why we always squeeze ourselves in anything 2 sizes smaller.

sometimes we just don't know when to shut up...best solution, that ^^^^..

this is what happens when a few PMSing drivers meet..enough said.

BEST THING AFTER HUMAN HAIR WEAVES

it's been said again and again that women are bad drivers..well,

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Women can get out of traffic offenses by pouting. This will get men arrested.

of life and lemons.....

When life gives you lemons, be sure to send a hand written thank you note for the lemons, as email thank you notes can appear to be less sincere.
i mean, you are living already, do with the lemons, the dead sorta envy you and they'd do anything to have the lemons.

When life gives you lemons suck out all of the vitamin C and yell “EAT THAT, LIFE!
there's always something good about life, if you look really hard. try and make every bad thing positive and the ones you can't change. forget and  move on.

When life gives you lemons ask for salt and tequila!
yeah, if you believe in a higher deity. Never be content with what life gives you, always strive for better things. if you get a crappy job, thank God you have it, but no one said you can't keep praying for a better job and pay.

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice, then let everyone wonder how the heck you did it.
At times people make us to believe we are loosers. Nothing is ever the way you want it to be, people se nothing good of you and you never seem to get out of the rut you're in. other than branding yourself a looser, surprise everyone, strive to make it, it always pays off.

When life gives you lemons, collect them one day life will stop and u would have the most lemons ever.
Ok, that is for everyone who just gave up. It's always good to be the miserable goon everyone knows, it's a title, right?

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone else who life handed vodka to, and have a party...
Exactly! i believe that's self explanatory... it's all about friends and sometimes family.

When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!
making the best out of everything, that's whatssup! Nothing is ever that bad, if altered.

When life gives you lemons just shut up and eat your damn lemons.
NO one really cares. every body prolly has lemons, the last thing they want to hear is yu talk about your lemons..

When life gives you lemons sell them on.
Human is into energy. bad energy is transferable. Don't be miserable alone, spread it! if at a 'price', even better!

When life gives you lemons when no one is looking, throw them through life’s window and run away.
LOl, more like suicide. 
When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in his eye
When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut..
When life gives you lemons, ask for the receipt

if there's one thing i came to know, life hates lemons.

as told by women....

Don't pretend we don't tell you when something's wrong. Come on now. Increased food intake. Foot tapping. Crossed arms.crying, pouting....c'mon! isn't that enough for you to know something is wrong?.

We love to hear we are beautiful. Breaking it down into specifics is even better.

We're not always aware of our breasts. If we happen to brush up against you, we're not necessarily coming on to you. Sometimes we are. But it's not a given.

We don't expect you to read our minds. We expect you to ask. and insist.

We remember if you told us you would call us tomorrow, so if you don't mean tomorrow, say "soon." No woman will ever hold it against you if you call when you say you will, and we always notice when you don't.

We want you to have your "guy time." In fact, if you don't have a great group of men to hang around, it's a turn-off.

we like doing stuff by ourselves sometimes— drive our careers, pay the bills, fix broken appliances, assemble furniture. The only place we don't have to do it ourselves is in the bedroom. For that one small slice of the day, we'll actually give up control and let someone else own us. So, own us.


Why do you spell "you" as "u" in a text? Spell it out. Is it really that hard?txtn lyk dis is a turn off. leaves ??? to ur maturity.

If you tell us you love us during sex, it will only confuse us. We won't know whether the sentiment is genuine or blurted out in the heat of passion. If you mean it and want to tell us, wait until we're fully clothed and you're fully sober.

you have our interest if you pick us up in a cab (and your car if you own one). You have our hearts if you drop us off and expect 'nothing'.

When we ask you to be honest, and your honest response is something you know we will be upset about, fib just a little. But only because you love us.

As much as we want to say that looks don't matter, they are a big part of first impressions. Physical attraction gets the door open, but pretty much from there, it really is your personality that will carry you.

back massages and foot rubs are a complete turn on.. do them often. shows you care.

thank me later

want to know if you are ready to have kids..

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all day..

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

if you do all these without pulling your hair, you are sooo ready to have kids..oh, and by the way.....

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers