PMSing baaaaaaaaad!

Dear Mr. Always CEO,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 8 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably go about my daily chores and routine. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. CEO? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into a sick looking bitch that will be spewing her guts out, tummy hurting like crazy, joints going numb and my back aching like that of a frigging overworked donkey!@

As brand CEO in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flow down there. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to chop off her boyfriend's testicles just because he told her he thought CougarTown was stupid and not funny!. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the world is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants, every 'periodic' day. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-CEO brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, CEO? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to stuff your face with anything edible, and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march out, to that freaking bastard who pissed you last week and you just figured you needed to kill him!. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the knife" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be a 80/= drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best.


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