what do we(men) want???

Want;  having a desire to possess or do something.

What do we want. Basically, Food, Shelter, clothing, and a coupla luxuries.
But what do women want?? Women want multiple Orgasms, chocolate and the words 'i love you' often, also, we need to be told we are beautiful every now and then. Not forgetting the shoes that hurt like hell, costing us a fortune and some always finding a place in the darkest rooms. We want someone to listen to our every whims and whimper but at the same time we need to be left alone.We want someone who adores us but still gives us space. We want to be looked at, but not ogled.

 To blanket everything, EVERY WOMAN WANTS WHAT THE OTHER BITCH GOT.

Men want nothing but a naked woman who knows when to talk and when to shut up...the shutting up matters a lot to this breed. They hate hints. They want details. They hate being nagged. They prefer nudity to lingerie. They love food..and sports. To them, Chic flicks are for pussies. Keep your handbag to your armpits and if somebody has to hold it for you, don't ask him to do it. You know that sweater he likes?? the one you hate so much because he's always wearing it??? Never ever use it as a rug just because it has to go. Leave his shit alone. If he likes his socks in the underwear drawer, put them in the underwear drawer.

If somebody invented vibrating tampons women could enjoy their period ~Emy Wanza

There's always someone richer, prettier with better tits than you around the corner sister, so you better work on perfecting that blow-job. ~Emy Wanza

a

why my neighbors will never follow me on twitter...

I met Baba Esther at the Cargo village in JKIA, driving a Swissport cargo tractor.

HIM: Emily!

ME: OMG hey!

HIM: You work here??

ME: No. I work around here!

HIM: Let me go park this and come see your office...who knows, i might bump in for tea or coffee

ME: me ~> O_o.. Actually now that you know where I work I think I'll have to quit my job and find another one somewhere else...

HIM:  Are you serious?

ME: YES! 

 He's never talked to me since then.

Wangeci, she's not really a friend but it's a we-have-to-be-friends-because-we-are-neighbors- kinda friendship. She's a.....what my bro calls a she-Yokozuna. She always asks me to carry stuff for her when going up the stairs, every time we bump into each other at the gate. we are on the same floor, the 5th floor. This day that our friendship broke,  I joked about her weight.

ME: I hate it when we have to stop after every floor.

HER: We all know you have nothing to do in the house, twende pole pole

ME: I hate that this friendship will have to end because of your weight, I'm not going to wait another minute for you to catch your breathe..also, this bag is full of junk and we all know I'll have none of it.

Then I put her stuff down and left for my house. The next day I said hi, she looked like if she would, she'd butt-smother me.

Then there's Njoro. I tweeted about this incidence last week. I went to pick my DVDs and found his supposedly girl-friend in his house, who has no sense of humor whatsoever!  just like everybody else;

 ME: Hey. Hapa ni kwa Njoro? (insert cheeky smile)

HER: yeah.

ME:...... and you are?

HER: his girlfriend...

ME: uh huh! hah!

HER: What does that mean?

ME: what does what mean?

HER:  (visibly angry) akikuja ntamwambia you came for your DVDs..

ME: er...wacha tu, i'll call and tell him i was here...or i'll just wait until he comes home, his house...home. by the way, Hse no. 17B

 The next day, Njoro asked me to go straighten everything up, tell her who I was and why I chuckled when she said she was the girlfried.


Another incident with Ruth; her nephews always come to visit her during the weekend, a fact I didn't know. She banned the young boys from my balcony ever since that day I told her,

there are kids around here who make so much noise on Saturdays, one day I might push them down the stairs or over the balcony!"

HER: THEY ARE MY NEPHEWS!

ME: I take that back then.

Apparently my neighbors do not have aaaaaaaaaany sense of funny, by funny I mean humor...and I'm not moving out of that flat any time soon.

You came really close to clever before veering off into a ditch and exploding in a flaming ball of stupid.

It's all fun and games......

   This life we living in should never be taken seriously, as some idiot once said, no one gets out alive anyway. We tend to take everything at face value, judging before we fit in others shoes and pointing fingers at situations we can't tell of the when, the where and the why. We are an uptight lot. Anyway, that's not what this post is really about. It's about funny situations that lead to serious cases.

      It's all fun and games until verbal abuse upgrades to physical abuse. I have a friend who always argued with the boyfriend and the scenario always turned ugly with name-calling in public. Until this one day she asked us for lunch because she wanted 'to talk'...she showed up with a black eye. Apparently the boyfriend lost it, his tempers, because she called some chic he's been vibing for a while a 'whore'. It was time to proclaim her ass single and leave the guy.

    It's all fun and games until you're at the gynaecologist your legs uncrossed & your fingers crossed.one word. TOYS!...and condoms, and tampons. Explaining any farther would turn graphic

   It's all fun and games on twitter until people start calling each others names. It always starts with sub-tweets, or CCs, and as for me, it started when i called one @mbusih a punk ass. LOL. Then the TTs, you go in on one, tweet shit and before you know it, you've created 'enemies'. This thing we call twitter is complicated.

     It's all fun and games until your mum realizes she only pays 3 sh for a voice message, and tells every other relative that it's OK to leave a voice message....since it's cheap. Yes, now my mum leaves voice messages and most of the time, it's nothing nice. Her asking why I'm not picking my phone with her -I'd smack-your-ass-if-I-was-near- tone.

  It's all fun and games until someones loses the key to the handcuffs. For the Kinky and the kinkees.

  It's all fun and games until that friend, boyfriend, that you always thought was gay, hits on you. Or your friend, girlfriend, tells you shit she feels about you, had one of those experiences. http://emywanza.blogspot.com/2011/03/that-day-i-actually-kissed-girl.html

when someone embraces your unique & beautiful brand of crazy, hang onto them fiercely ~Emy Wanza

of vampires and mythical creatures.

Dear vampire fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through
them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
...Sincerely,
Logic

OK, that is not necessarily why I'm creating this post. It's about mythical creatures...

 1) VAMPIRES

I came to fall in love with vampires the day i watched Vampire Diaries. something about Damon Salvatore, the personality contrast between him and his bro. By 'something about' i mean infatuation. I didn't fall in love with the series, but the two boys, especially Damon Salvatore. He has BAD written all over him..major turn on. Why we all love them, it's all in the mystery. The energy. The strength. The vulnerability, yeah, they are vulnerable. And the fact that all one needs is a bite  to be immortal.

 2) SUCCUBI 

These are creatures/beings that suck people's energy mainly through  sex. which eventually kills them. Yeah, fascinating! And guess what, you have to be female to be a succubus! If people applied to be that i would! Spiders bite off their mates heads hence the black widow title, imagine having the power to be a man's last? yeah, you sex the life out of him! literally. Which brings me to the question, have you ever heard of the forever widows? Women who's husbands die  few years after marriage? someone say SUCCUBUS! I'm not sure if its the same with lesbians.

P|S I'm a succa for succubus!

 

3) WEREWOLVES

The Wikepedia describes them as humans with the ability to shape shift into wolves or anthropomorphic-wolf like creatures, either purposely, by being bitten by another werewolf, or after being placed under a curse. Why these creatures are to die for, during the day, he's your man but during the night, he's a cute-pet-like dog wolf. If i talk about this any FURther (get it?) I'll delve into bestiality. 

 

4)GOOD MEN

Don't give me that look! Just like ghosts, we have heard about them but no one has seen/ met one. A good man is a good thing to have, but very hard to find. That's why we'll have to make live with finding a hard man, who is also good to find.

 

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.  ~Lana Turner
 

of detached penises

        

                                                      Argonaut

 The argonaut octopus is a type of nautilus. This tentacle animal swims around in the ocean, but while it’s busy looking for food and checking out the sights, the argonaut’s penis simply detaches itself and swims away to look for lady-parts. When scientists first encountered the disembodied penis, they thought it was a parasitic worm. It was only years later that they discovered the swimming organ was actually a zombie-like sperm bomb.

Fascinating! really..would you imagine if that really happened to human beings??? imagine walking down the street and bam! a penis starts sniffing sniffing searching for a way through your skirt to the lady-parts....OMG THE HORROR!!!! COME ON! HIDE THE WOMEN AND THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which makes me think, wouldn't that be great an excuse just to leave work early, or not show up at work?

"Excuse me sir, but there's this penis that's been following me the whole day, can i go home??." or, "sir, i can't leave my  house, my neighbors penis just detached itself."

Anyway, a life of ducking flying penises isn't fun....quite weird.

If I had a penis for a day... First thing I'd do is swivel my hips and get it going like a windmill ~ Emy Wanza