Monday, October 11, 2010

as told by women....



Don't pretend we don't tell you when something's wrong. Come on now. Increased food intake. Foot tapping. Crossed arms.crying, pouting....c'mon! isn't that enough for you to know something is wrong?.

We love to hear we are beautiful. Breaking it down into specifics is even better.

We're not always aware of our breasts. If we happen to brush up against you, we're not necessarily coming on to you. Sometimes we are. But it's not a given.

We don't expect you to read our minds. We expect you to ask. and insist.

We remember if you told us you would call us tomorrow, so if you don't mean tomorrow, say "soon." No woman will ever hold it against you if you call when you say you will, and we always notice when you don't.

We want you to have your "guy time." In fact, if you don't have a great group of men to hang around, it's a turn-off.

we like doing stuff by ourselves sometimes— drive our careers, pay the bills, fix broken appliances, assemble furniture. The only place we don't have to do it ourselves is in the bedroom. For that one small slice of the day, we'll actually give up control and let someone else own us. So, own us.


Why do you spell "you" as "u" in a text? Spell it out. Is it really that hard?txtn lyk dis is a turn off. leaves ??? to ur maturity.

If you tell us you love us during sex, it will only confuse us. We won't know whether the sentiment is genuine or blurted out in the heat of passion. If you mean it and want to tell us, wait until we're fully clothed and you're fully sober.

you have our interest if you pick us up in a cab (and your car if you own one). You have our hearts if you drop us off and expect 'nothing'.

When we ask you to be honest, and your honest response is something you know we will be upset about, fib just a little. But only because you love us.

As much as we want to say that looks don't matter, they are a big part of first impressions. Physical attraction gets the door open, but pretty much from there, it really is your personality that will carry you.

back massages and foot rubs are a complete turn on.. do them often. shows you care.

thank me later

Monday, October 4, 2010

want to know if you are ready to have kids..

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all day..

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

if you do all these without pulling your hair, you are sooo ready to have kids..oh, and by the way.....

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers